Married Couple
by QueenPotatos
Summary: In the locker room with Rin, Haru faces a problem he doesn't have the solution yet.


Written for Harubirthdaybash on tumblr. Thank you gurls the event was amazing :)

Rated T for mention of not very funny things

* * *

**~~Married Couple~~**

**.o0o0o.**

This is the second time Haru finds himself trapped in the locker room by Rin. The tournament is over, it has been for more than an hour and everybody is waiting for them outside. But he can't leave because Rin asked him to; just like he had asked him to enter the relay with him, to swim for him. Rin asks and Haru gives him, everything he wants, and even though it has never been his intention in first place it seems to him now like a common routine. Somehow Haru always waits for Rin to ask something from him and when he doesn't, it feels wrong, it means that Rin is not totally himself and Haru gets worried when it doesn't happen. It should feel irritating, but surprisingly it's not. It only feels right, natural - just as natural as swimming.

But today is different. Rin asks a lot of things from Haru, and this time he's asking too much.

"So, what are we gonna do now?" Rin asks nonchalantly, but Haru knows he is very serious about this.

He talks about them, not about him or Haru as individual human beings. He talks about them as an item and it bothers him much more than he has expected.

"I don't know." he just says, because he really doesn't. He knows what Rin wants, it has always been in dearest dream and it will still be; no matter what happens between them the Gold Medal is what drives Rin further, every single time he enters water - it's not Haru, it's not the love of water, it's not pride or any crap that people usually feel when they're racing. Rin is different from them. He is better, and aims for the World.

But not Haru. And that's where his dilemma starts.

"Well, you should expect the national team to give us a call within the week, considering our times." he goes on, putting his hand behind his head, probably scratching his skull and then Haru knows that he is feeling nervous about this. His eyes are hesitant, not meeting his gaze frankly like he usually does. Haru wonders if it's because he is honestly unsure or if it's because he knows that he is going to ask for something Haru can't give him. If he knows that deep inside, it's not what Haru really wants, that if he says 'Yes' like he always does it will make him miserable and that it could destroy the relationship they have - whatever it is.

Haru can't stand the tension between them. He can't stand the tension showing on Rin's shoulders.

"I won't go with you."

The air gets thicker and more difficult to breathe. He can easily imagine Rin's face, getting distorted by rage and anger, deception, his lack of understanding as for why he did that so brutally. He imagines it because he can't look at him. He only waits for the outburst now, something he thought they have gotten rid of after the regionals last year.

And it doesn't fail him. Rin is groaning, his sharp teeth almost biting into his own bottom lip.

"But you can go," he quickly adds as if his voice would maintain his head above water. "But without me. You're free to do what you want - it has always been what you really wanted right?"

It doesn't seem to ease Rin's mind at all. Haru has always had some difficulties to understand him sometimes but right now he doesn't know what he is doing wrong.

"Shut up!" Rin barks, and he hits on the locker to his right with his fist. The metallic sounds echoes in the deserted room. It feels like a bad horror movie. "How do you know what I truly want? You have absolutely no idea! It's pure non sense to refuse anyway. Our times are the best! You have so much potential and you just..."

"But it's not about me. It's about you. You want to go there so just go. I'm not restraining you. You're free to go - but I'm also free to refuse-"

"Come on Haru, stop this bullshit. We're meant to swim together, you're meant to swim in the line next to mine and-"

"And what? Support _you_ and swim for _you_ and make sacrifices for _you_ and only _you_ and never think of what _I _truly want? What kind of friend are you Rin? Do you ever stop thinking only about yourself when it comes to me?"

"I said shut up" Rin's cheeks are getting warm and pink, Haru sees it from where he is; they are not very close and he is grateful for that. He looks like a mess, his eyes are shining with anything but excitement and his heart is pounding in his chest like it has never been before. He hates it, he hates Rin right now. He hates that he loves him so much and still can't really give him what he really needs from him.

"You know it's not the same without you. I can't swim my best if you're not there. You have to come with me. There is no other way and you know that. It has always been like that."

"Yes it's true but, Rin it has to stop. I can't follow you anywhere you go, we're not a married couple!" He says desperately. He doesn't shout because it's not who he is but his heart feels like crying.

He waits for an answer but only gets silence. Rin's breathing increases for a short time, then it gets strangled and finally, a sigh escapes his lips.

"Fine, you're right." he surrenders, and it doesn't sound like him at all, and Rin is now leaving him behind and it's Haru's turn to find it hard to breathe.

He is alone now, alone in the darkness of the locker room. Rin has just asked him to follow him and he has said no. Rin has said that he needed him and Haru has turned him away. He had hurt Rin in the past and he has done it, again, and he can only watch his back leaving him without complaining because it was his own doing.

The same, aching sensation comes back to his chest and Haru hides, between two locker and curls into a ball. He feels empty without Rin pushing him over the edge. He wants him to come back and asks something from him again - if only he could say yes this time, he'll do it, without any traces of hesitation.

**.o0o0o.**

Message From : Makoto

_Hi Rin, how are you doing? I know I'm being a little bit insistent but you should really call Haru._

Rin doesn't even reply, and throws his phone on his bed, anger still lingering in his fingers. It has been three days. The national team hasn't called yet, Makoto is literally harassing him with message about Haruka Nanase, the same Nanase who has rejected him in the locker room when Rin had needed him the most. Rin rolls into his bed again, trying to find a better position to take his nap. Even his pillow is failing him. He sighs. Nothing ever goes the way you plan it.

In the evening he receives a message from Gou. Haruka didn't show up to the pool today. Rin gets worried, but chooses to ignore it. After all, Haru can do whatever he fucking wants, avoiding water or not, following him or not, being his friend or not...but, things like this don't matter anymore, right?

He thinks about calling him the following day, because even if he doesn't want to admit it he misses him, misses the racing and the thrill he always feels when they are together but just as he was about to type his phone number, the national team calls. He picks up his phone, listens carefully and then, hangs up.

He has three days to give his answer. He was about to say yes, but then, there has been this ache in his stomach, and suddenly he couldn't make it without him. He just couldn't leave everyone behind, leave him behind. He knows he would fall apart the moment the door would be closed behind him and that there would be no way to go backwards. He knows what he has to do now, but Rin can be a coward sometimes, and so instead of going to Haru's place he calls Makoto first.

'_How he is?_' Makoto asks, even before greeting him and the worry in his voice manages to break something in Rin. Maybe she should have really called Haru. Maybe he has messed this up again. Maybe he should have listen to Haru more than his own urges.

"I don't know," he says, because he really doesn't. "Gou said he hasn't shown up yesterday. Actually I...I was going to ask you the same thing."

_'What happened? Did you two have a fight? You seemed so happy after the last race.'_

"It doesn't matter. I was going to drop by anyway but, I just, I wanted to know how he is before..."

The silence at the other end of the phone is too long for Rin's taste. And so he gets out of his room without taking his stuff and almost runs to the train station. When he arrives at Haru's house, Makoto is there at the front, waiting for him.

"I haven't seen him since the tournament." Makoto informs him. There is a lump in Rin's throat that wouldn't go away regardless of how many times he tries to swallow properly. "The bathtub is dry, and the kitchen smells nice; he hasn't come back here at all. He wouldn't answer my calls."

"Why didn't you tell me?" His voice is angry but he knows he can't blame Makoto for this. He would have liked to, but it's his own fault. He should have known something was off. If Makoto has called for help it was probably serious. Why hadn't he reacted the way he should have?

"I've asked you to call him. I thought he would have prefer to spend the days with you, and I didn't want to-"

"Cut the crap already. I am the last person Haru wants in his life. And he has made it very clear..."

During a very short moment Rin thought Makoto was just to punch him right in the face.

"You are probably right." he says instead, and he has never looked so determined in Rin's eyes. "But that's why he needs you so much."

They directly go to the swimming club where they have met days earlier. The room is locked, but Makoto's shoulders easily break it open. They find Haru curled into a ball hidden behind a line of lockers. He is cold and stiff, and for a moment they both hold their breath, fearing the worst possible scenario - and at this moment Rin wants to drown; he wants to jump into the Ocean and disappear with him, with them, to never feel lonely again.

But Haru is still breathing. His hands uncurl when Makoto holds them and, slowly but surely, he opens his eyes - and Rin's heart starts beating again.

**.o0o0o.**

Haru knows he needs to move. His skin hurts, the floor is icy and hard on his bones, and being so skinny makes it harder not to get harmed. He isn't stupid - Haru is, rather clever - but he just can't. It hurts too much to move in a world where he doesn't know where to go anymore. He doesn't even want to go to the pool - it's probably closed, but it has never stopped him before.

This is what he has wanted. Being free from Rin. Isn't it?

He doesn't have to follow him, to reply to all his inquiries, his provocation, to cope with his presence. It was finally over now. Why couldn't he move then?

He doesn't want to follow him to the Olympics. He could, probably, but it would mean too much effort, too much non-swimming activities like working out and television and adverts, and that's something he isn't ready for - and that Rin is really fond of, so much that Haru finds it ridiculous. What is even more ridiculous is that he can't think of himself without thinking about Rin. It's all his fault. He always talks about them as an item and Haru has caught the tic too. Their mind and body are now linked - well, they were, Haru broke the thread, and now his life is all upside down, so much that he doesn't even know how to stand.

He can't go to the Olympics with Rin. That's for sure. He already knew that.

Now, Haru finds out he can't get to his feet without Rin lending him his shoulder. And that, too, is something he already knew but chose to ignore. So he just stays on the floor, because he really doesn't know what else he can do. He sleeps, a lot, until he hears Makoto's voice and his warm hands shaking him - wait a minute is that Rin carrying him out? He recognizes his muscle, his scent, the brief flash of red light coming from his wet eyes. Why is he crying again? He didn't make it to the national team?

It's only when he thinks they're talking about taking him to the hospital that Haru speaks, finally. Surprisingly fighting with them both isn't that hard, and both surrender as soon as he promises that he will eat and drink something - and that he insists it has to be mackerel. Sooner than he expects, he is laying in his living room. Rin is making tea while Makoto tries to make him talk. He doesn't ask anything, but his eyes are scanning him, trying to get something out of him - but surprise Makoto, I don't even know what my whole life is about.

"What did you say?" he asks, softly, for Rin not to hear them - Haru suspects that Rin won't anyway, he doesn't want to hear him, he doesn't want to see him anymore. He has deceived him and Rin is probably only there because Makoto has asked him to. As usual Makoto knows a bit too much what is happening between the two of them, and acts adequately. It's like he has been there in the locker room with him.

"I said no." Haru murmurs, and his voice is so broken that he is surprised he has been able to talk. He regrets this. He knows he shouldn't but he does, so much. He can't go on without Rin, but at the same time he can't go with him. "I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. I was stuck."

"I know. It's alright."

"No it's not," his voice is now calm but he feels the same sadness, even more powerful than before. "I don't want him to leave me."

Makoto being Makoto, he smiles, kindly, and then speaks as if he knows the deepest secrets of the World. "Maybe if you say what you've just said to me and asks him, he will not."

Silence falls between them, a comfortable silence that is only disturbed by the loud clash of a trail being put on the table next to them. Haru looks intensely towards Rin and tries to find a clue, something that could betray his will to choose him over the Gold medal but he doesn't look long, because he knows it's a fight he can't win - and that Makoto is then, very wrong.

Haru finds out he is too weak to sit and drink. He says that he wants to sleep first. When he wakes up he doesn't feel any better. The tea is cold, Makoto is gone and Rin is still there and not there at the same time, very close but also very far, an untouchable dream he'd had one day which had vanished the moment Haru thought he could finally touch it.

"Oi, you're awake?"

Of course he is, he is looking right at him, couldn't he tell? In one single sentence Rin always magically manages to irritate him. How can he do that?

"I made new tea." he shows him the steaming pot in front of him. Haru tries to get up but his arms fail him. He hears Rin sighing and the next moment his back is against his chest and then not only his arms feel weak.

Rin brings the pot to his lips. He drinks; some of it falls on his shirt, run on Rin's hand but none of them speak a word. The silence itself seems to be on edge, but it's alright. Rin is here, really here and he has not left, not yet. Haru can still touch him.

But can he really do that?

Can he really ask him to stay for him? For God's sake Rin has asked, for years, things that Haru didn't want to do and he'd had no shame to ask even when he was 12 and here he was, a 18 years old full grown up man, incapable of voicing his thought to the one he loves the most.

Haru is still trying to decide what can possibly hurt him the most. Rin's rejection, or the fact that he could be the one destroying Rin's dearest dream out of selfishness?

Rin is caring with him. His hands are gentle, soft and warm, he makes sure Haru is comfortable against him, and that he drinks everything he is given - '_I'll throw you in the ER myself if you don't finish your drink'_ - and never mentions what had happened -was it yesterday? Just how much time did he spend on the floor for them to look so worried? His brows are stuck together, just like when he is studying something he has trouble with. He is concentrated, his full attention is driven on Haru and suddenly this fact is too overwhelming for him to just lay on his chest. His arms find their strength again and Haru turns around and puts Rin into his embrace. He rests his chin on the other's shoulder. Rin shouts and asks him, panicked, what he thinks he is doing. Haru smiles, deeply - but Rin can see it - and finds that life is better that way.

The most difficult task in life is to learn where your place is. Some are meant to shine, some are meant to be villains, some are meant to help others and Haru is meant to stay in Rin's arms.

Just when he is about to speak his mind and heart to him Rin takes the initiative, and it's by no means what Haru has expected.

"You don't have to. Come with me, I mean. I knew it was a bit...too much," and he looks away after that, being obvious of how ridiculous it had sounded. "And I still really wish you would want to come with me but I don't want to force you, Haru. I am sorry. Really I..."

He doesn't finish, but it doesn't matter. At least that's what Haru thought. His resolved won't be shaken now that he knows what he wants, where he wants to go.

"I can't leave you alone." He mumbles in his shirt, but it seems Rin hasn't hear him. Haru feels to shy to say this aloud.

"Anyway..." he is weird all of a sudden, patting on his back haphazardly. "Listen, I have, thought about, a thing. You care to listen?"

Haru pulls his head out of Rin's warm and comfortable shoulder and nods to him, visibly, looking right at him with all the forces he has left.

"The national team has called. They want my answer as soon as possible. I think..." he takes a deep breath, they both do. "I think I'm going to say yes. I mean it's not something you can refu-I mean I can't refuse, you can absolutely do what you want. I mean shit I'm not good for this kind of thing." And he hugs him, even harder than before and Haru thinks he can feel his tears falling on his own cheek.

"I know I won't make it without you." He hears him whine. "But I can't force you into this. It's too big, it's absolutely nothing you are, and I was so selfish...but, there is a college, an Art college, where you could apply for." Haru's eyes widen, he has never talked about what he wanted to do after high school. "Makoto told me. He saw you making some research one day. I'm not asking you to go and swim for me no more. But, if we could be in the same town at least, it would be...bearable, I guess?"

Rin sniffs and caresses the back of his hair, lovingly. It's not like Haru can resist him.

"But I won't be swimming in the line next to yours."

"I know, it's a necessary compromise." Rin answers him. "It's what married people do."

Rin only leaves him when he is totally sure that Haru is okay, that Makoto is near and contactable, and that there is a stock of mackerel in his fridge for the next six months.

The following day, Haru finds his forgotten phone in the bottom of his bag. There are tons on unanswered calls and texts, lots from Makoto, some from Nagisa and Rei, one from Gou - none from Rin but now it doesn't matter - and one call from a unknown number, coming from Tokyo.

The number calls again. Haru thinks he knows where it comes from.

He hesitates, but in the end, he takes it.


End file.
